


i’ve come alive

by wren_writes_things



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Tori Vega/Jade West, F/F, F/M, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jori - Freeform, Lesbian Jade West, Minor Beck Oliver/Jade West, NOT between beck or jade or tori dw, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soft Jade West, endgame jori, there is a base past but i won’t tag it in relationships since it’s not big
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:55:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28834488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wren_writes_things/pseuds/wren_writes_things
Summary: Tori makes a late night bad decision to ask Jade for help. Maybe it’s not the worst decision, really... Jade isn’t completely new to dealing with family problems. And boy, does Tori have some problems. Who doesn’t?
Relationships: Beck Oliver & Jade West, Tori Vega & Jade West, Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 34
Kudos: 103





	1. ugly ugly truths

**Author's Note:**

> definitely a projection sorta fic i’m not gonna lie, just giving characters family issues. feeling very teenage angsty and decided the healthy thing to do was make fan fiction about a tv show from 2010.

Jade doesn’t really sleep, but to be fair, she never really sleeps. It takes her hours to fall asleep, and even when she does, it’s a fitful, horrible sleep. She wakes up in the middle of the night, often multiple times. At this point, she views preparing to sleep in the same way she views preparing for the fight of her life. Except it happens every day. 

Beck helps her feel safe. Admittedly, he’s good at that. She is awake now, and over Beck’s shoulder she can see the crooked alarm clock in the dark, gleaming 4:34 in big red digits. It’s quiet except for the fan, which has been a saving grace now that it’s coming into summer. It hums, and Jade feels Beck’s warm breath next to her, his body heat a small comfort when she’s awake this way. And that’s to say, all-the-way awake. No drowsiness, no half-asleep droopy eyes. She is awake, and aware, and she hates it.

Jade hates trying to get to sleep, and she hates being awake. Of course. Doesn’t that make sense, considering how annoying and infuriating every other aspect of her life is? It’s a ridiculous time and she is completely alert, here, in the ringing blackness illuminated only by that stupid blinking alarm clock. 

But this is a little strange, even for Jade. She rubs sleep out of her eye, and scrunches up her forehead. Definitely, she wakes up at bad times on the regular, and she often wakes with some sense of feeling or dread after one of her nightmares. She’s no stranger to feeling alert, but this isn’t a particularly bad feeling, just that she must be awake. It takes a few seconds to process that she’s been woken up, not jolted awake on her own, as a knock - or, it would seem, a second knock - sounds on the windows of the RV.

Someone is trying to get Jade’s attention at half past four in the morning. 

Some people might just get scared or wake up the sleeping Beck beside them, but Jade West has an automatic response to be angry. Especially when her already awful sleep habits have been interrupted. 

She raps right back on the window. Then realised how fucking insane that was. They’re parked in an RV in a driveway alone, and she’s clearly admitted that yes, there is a person in here to attack or whatever. Then, that secondary response of Jade’s, pure fear, finally hits her. She sits bolt upright in bed.

“Who’s there?” she hisses, knowing the walls are pretty thin if you’re directly outside. And at this point, it’s probably best to make herself seem frightening if people have to know she is in the van. Her breath quickens a little. 

“Jade, it’s me.” 

She’d recognise that voice anywhere. “Tori?” 

She wriggles out of the bed and neatly places the covers over Beck. She’s going to kill this girl, yet at the same time, she’s relieved. She quietly opens the door, stepping out into the humid night. 

Closing the door gingerly as she reaches the two little steps at the entrance, she finally whispers, “What the fuck, Vega?”

The girl in front of her shivers despite the temperature. Tori is wearing casual clothes, but notably not pyjamas. There is makeup not quite cleaned off her face, and the curls that are usually ironed into her hair are evident, but flat. It’s not quite enough to make Jade pity her, but she does frown at the sight. “It’s almost five. What’s your problem?”

Tori hesitates. “Well-“

“Please tell me you didn’t come to see Beck. I will kill you for that, don’t try me.”

“It’s nothing like that!”

Jade folds her arms and arches an eyebrow. Even at this time, Tori notices how beautiful she looks under the moonlight that provides the only illumination for their conversation. Her dark, coloured hair is messily tucked behind her ears, and her mascara and eyeliner has been properly washed off before bed. She’s wearing only an overly large t-shirt of Beck’s and (Tori assumes, or hopes) her underwear. Her bare legs gleam under the stars, and she appears to have an aura of silver from the moon’s glow. 

“You didn’t think I was here, did you?” Jade says, snapping Tori back to reality. 

“No! I mean, yes, I thought you were here, I actually came here looking for you. Not Beck. But it was probably a bad decision, right?”

“Yes, it was. Now, get.” Jade snaps, waving her hand as though telling a dog to fetch. 

“No! I-“

“No?” Jade looks at her incredulously. 

“Uh, well, no. I’m not trying to be annoying, I swear. But I have to talk to you about something. I’ll be finished as soon as possible, but I really need you to listen. I couldn’t tell you at school. Please.”

Jade pauses, and for a moment, Tori thinks she’s going to climb right back inside the RV and the slam the door in her face. But Jade rolls her eyes, makes a clicking sound with her tongue, and tells Tori to, “wait there.”

She messes around in the RV for a second before re-emerging wearing a jacket and a pair of shorts, which she tucks a corner of the oversized shirt into. Jade is holding her keys. 

Tori watches nervously as she walks to her car, until she turns back and stares at Tori, beckoning for her to come over. 

“Are you coming or what?”

“I’m - what?”

She sighs as though it’s painfully obvious. “We’re getting in the car. Beck is sleeping and I’m not gonna wake him up for... whatever this is, and I need a coffee if I’m going to be up at this ungodly hour. So if you want anything from me, get in the car.”

“Oh... Thanks.”

“Whatever. I prefer driving at night, anyway.”

•••

Tori really doesn’t know what’s going on. She half assumed that Jade would just not get up, or try and poke out her eyes in the case she did. Yet, here she was, eyeballs intact, sitting in Jade’s passenger seat on the way to get ice cream. Jade had decided that she could probably settle for coffee-flavoured ice cream due to the heat, and it was far more likely for that to be open than one of the little coffee stores. 

“So...?” Jade began, eyes fixed on the road. 

“So... what?”

Tori could actually sense the Jade’s annoyed glare despite the fact she wasn’t facing Tori. “So, you woke me up at 4 in the morning and now we are driving to get food, why?”

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah,  that .” 

“It’s... hard to explain.”

“I mean, I assumed it must be if you couldn’t just wait for school. Then again, you have absolutely no patience or self control, that’s pretty evident in your personality, so-“

“Hey! Okay, okay. I just found some stuff out, and I don’t think I can tell anyone.”

“So you thought you’d tell me, of all people? Am I losing my threat level? Am I becoming approachable or something?”

Tori laughs sadly. “No, definitely not. I just... I think you’d get it. More than the others. Don’t get me wrong, I love my other friends - yes I called you a friend,” Jade glanced at her menacingly before turning her eyes back on the road, “- but... It’s different with them. Cat is lovely but she’s too much of a ray of sunshine, she’s so positive. That’s great, but I don’t need straight up positivity. And Robbie-“

“Robbie would talk to you through that stupid doll. Creepy. And that’s coming from me. You don’t need to even begin to justify that one.” 

“Pretty much. Beck and Andre are great, but Andre is preoccupied with his grandma and Beck only wants to give solutions. I don’t need solutions. There aren’t solutions.”

“You still haven’t explained that.”

Tori breathes in deeply. “My mother might be cheating on my father. No, scratch that, she is absolutely certainly cheating on my father. I could prove it. She’s having an affair with his co-worker. They text, and I saw some of the texts yesterday, and...“

“Shit, Vega.” Jade pulled up at the ice cream spot while Tori was speaking, but she hadn’t noticed.

“Yeah. Shit.”

She turns the engine off, and it’s quiet, and suddenly they are just two young girls, sitting in a car in a parking lot, lost together. Silent together. A little too small, a little too helpless to solve these things, together. Through the windshield, the sky is shifting into light pinks and oranges as sunrise begins. Street lamps are still bathing the cracked sidewalk in a yellow glow. Jade’s hand slowly finds its way to Tori’s, without her looking. Almost automatically. Almost flippantly, almost without a care. But Tori knows that Jade calculates every action, she isn’t careless. For a while they continue sitting there, staring ahead as though still driving, silent as though dying, holding hands as though it means something they can’t say.

•••

As soon as they’ve ordered their ice creams, Jade leads Tori to a corner booth. The place is mostly empty besides some drunk 20-something college students, wild with laughter, and an older man making fruitless and slightly flirty small talk with a waitress. Jade gives the man a dirty look, and it’s somehow enough to shut him up, even from a distance. Tori looks vacant. She stirs her strawberry and bubblegum ice cream cup with the plastic spoon until it’s melted into single liquid. 

“Hey, look at me.” Jade taps her hand to get her attention. “You came over to talk to me. I’m listening. It’s kinda a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity from me. Something to do with being up so early I can’t process anger or annoyance yet.”

Tori smiles at her joke, but it’s half hearted. She suddenly remembers something. “Does Beck know you left? He’ll probably worry if you’ve disappeared.”

Jade shakes her head. “Nah, I do that a bit. When it’s important.” She doesn’t elaborate on what exactly is that important. “I’ll shoot him a text later. Just tell me about all this stuff now.”

“Okay. Well... there’s this guy my Dad works with...” Tori tells the full story, and weirdly, Jade genuinely listens. Away from school, she seems to be capable of a lot more emotions. 

Her responses to various events generally include her calling someone a “gank” or a “grunch” or swearing, and it’s cold and angry, but it’s also empathetic. 

“I’m sure you love your mom or whatever, but that’s a dick move.” She adds as Tori finishes up as much of the story as she knows. 

“Hey! Well, yeah, actually, it kinda is, I guess...”

“And your Dad still doesn’t know?”

“As far as I’m aware, no.”

Jade’s expression darkens a little. “You should be angry, you know. If you’re angry, that’s okay. It sucks for your Dad, obviously. But it sucks for you, too.”

“I’m not angry.”

“No?”

“I’m upset, I guess. I’m not happy. I feel sorta stuck in the middle. I don’t want to know this much, but now that I do, I feel that I have to tell my Dad. Or that I need to prevent Mom from meeting up with his co-worker. I need to do something. I just wish I  could do something!”

“That sounds like anger to me, Vega.”

“Okay, so I might be a bit angry.”

“She wronged you and your father, and now you’re forced to know all this even though you’re a kid and don’t want to.”

“Gee, thanks, life sounds great when you put it like that.”

“I’m only trying to be nice, okay? Do you want advice, do you want to just... I dunno, cry into your ice cream soup?”

Tori looks down and realises that the pink strawberry scoop and the blue bubblegum had turned into a sticky mixture. “Oh. Whoops.”

“I don’t like giving advice, but I can try.”

She leans back. “Go ahead.”

“It’s not your problem, but you know now. Tell your Mom what you know, confront her. When you are ready, not immediately. Tell her she has to admit it to your Dad, or else you’ll be obliged to tell him yourself. And,” she pauses, licking coffee ice cream off the plastic spoon, “tell her how you feel about it. That it sucks for you, too. Don’t lay it on her lightly when it’s her fault.”

“That’s... shockingly good advice.”

“What? I don’t give good advice usually?” Jade says defensively. 

“No- I mean, yeah, you do, I guess, I don’t know? You never give me advice!” She sighs. “But that was really nice of you. And you kinda hate me.”

“I don’t like you, that’s true,” Tori scoffs at this, “ but , you came to me and you couldn’t really tell anyone else, so yeah, you get a free piece of advice.” Jade waves her spoon in the air, pointing to Tori. 

Tori nods slowly, taking this in. It’s not a bad idea, and she’ll take what she can get from Jade regardless. She frowns slightly. “How are you so good at this, anyway? Family... issues stuff. You don’t exactly act like you’d be so talented with advice and chiz in school.”

Jade stands up and puts the cup and spoon in a bin behind her. “Practise makes proficiency.” She spins around and grabs her keys, clearly signalling to leave. “But never perfection. No such thing.”

Tori didn’t have time to think about what the other girl meant before she was practically dragged out to the car for school. It turned out that it had been three hours since Tori had turned up at Beck’s RV, and it was now half past seven. 

It was a weird sensation suddenly emerging into the bright morning sun, when they had entered the ice cream shop while it was still dark. The sun was shining, and Tori could almost believe it was a normal, cheery morning. She could almost forget that she hadn’t slept at all, except for the tired feeling that had sunk deep into her bones, and her puffy, red eyes from all the crying. And, of course, that Jade West was being nice to her. 


	2. wish i’d been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW, this is where the implied past csa/r*pe starts becoming evident, i’d rather give that a bit of a spoiler than have y’all read something very triggering; it’s triggering for me, too, but in this section it is only implied, and in no part is there any present day experience. hope this helps

Tori had mindlessly accepted Jade’s offer to go back to Jade’s house to get changed and ready for school. She’d been wearing these clothes since yesterday, since she’d realised what was going on with her mother, since she’d been unable to sleep at all. Since she had made up her mind to go for a walk, and desperately ended up going to the only person whose thoughts she cared to hear on everything that was currently making her head stir round and round.

They’re still driving when Jade’s phone screen lights up with a buzz. “Did Beck text me back?” 

Tori raises her eyebrows. “You trust me to read your messages?”

“Only what’s on the lock screen! I’m not giving you my password or anything, Jesus...”

“Beck says... ‘is everything alright? see you at school in a bit.’” Tori pauses. “Do you want me to reply to him for you, or-“

“No, nope, don’t get the idea that we’re friends stuck in your head. Off my phone now, thanks.” Jade takes a second to remember she’s meant to be nice. This girl’s just learnt some... stuff. Beck’s been saying she has an obligation to be kind or whatever on occasion. “My phone is private cause, you know, boundaries. Beck understands I had to go, alright?”

“Yeah, cool.” But Jade can sense the other girl’s thoughts are elsewhere, anyway. 

They arrive at Jade’s quickly, pulling up in the driveway, and to Tori’s surprise, using the front entrance. Like it’s totally normal for this teenager to leave in the night and turn back up in the morning. Like her parents don’t even care. Tori remember’s Jade’s earlier comment on ‘family stuff’ and wonders how this connects. She doesn’t ask.

Jade clears her throat. “My room is upstairs. I’m guessing you need to borrow clothes?” 

Tori doesn’t fail to notice Jade eyeing her as she speaks. She grimaces, suddenly aware of her appearance. She’s been wearing these clothes for 24 hours, including a rather long walk to Beck’s parent’s house in the middle of a hot night. 

“Uh, yeah, if you’re offering, I think I... definitely do.”

Jade nods shortly in response. Not the right time to make a comment on Tori’s looks. She starts climbing the stairs. 

It’s kind of a big house, too, Tori notices. Sure, she’s realised before that Jade has her own car and owns some nice clothes, but she hadn’t really thought about Jade’s home. And, yeah, if she’s honest, she’s previously thought it would look a lot more like an underground murder bunker than a modern, two-storey house. 

The ceilings and windows are high, and the rooms are open plan, so Tori can see the lounge, dining room and kitchen from the entrance hall - and yes, there is an entrance  _ hall _ \- and the stairs immediately on her left. They make it to Jade’s room in silence, where the other girl stops, and pulls her car keys out. 

“What are you doing?”

“See, this is what I meant about no patience.” Jade hisses, not quite under her breath.  _ Purposely .  _

“Hey!”

“I’m just-“ Jade doesn’t finish her sentence, instead clearly finding the key she wants on the ring. Tori suddenly sees that Jade’s door has a lock. One that clearly works from the outside, too.

She rattles the key aggressively for a second, and pushes the door open. “There.” 

“Oh.” Tori decides again not to ask questions. It’s probably for the best. Especially in the case that involves something with Beck and intimacy, it’s not something Tori needs or wants to know about. 

Jade’s room is a little more like Tori expected. Dark, with no personal frills added, besides some shelves with books and records, and her study desk with a lamp and her school supplies. The walls really are painted black. There is a window, but again, the blinds are closed. It’s not as messy or informal as Tori thought it might be - in fact, it’s completely tidy, bordering on sterile. Like a hospital room. If it’s meant to make Tori a little uneasy, which it probably is, it’s doing it’s job. 

Jade flicks the light switch. She pulls out her keys again, and Tori stands awkwardly in the middle of the room as she watches Jade unlock another door: her closet. 

She gestures for Tori to come over and look for something to wear. Obviously, most of it is not exactly Tori’s style. 

Jade notices that pretty quick. “Well, you’re probably gonna look different today, right? Hm,” She considers the clothes, and finally searches through the clothes-hangers until she finds a white t-shirt with some band logo on it, and a jacket. A pair of her converse shoes and socks, she guesses, would fit Tori well enough. 

“Just wear this with your jeans, I guess. You’ll live. Jeans always look the same, no one will notice if you’re wearing them again. It’s the shirt that’s the problem.” Jade offers.

Tori takes them. “Where should I... get dressed?” 

Jade frowns. She hadn’t considered this in her plans. “Just change here. I’ll turn around, you just need to put on a shirt.” 

Tori starts to pull up her shirt.

“Wait! Jesus, patience again.” Jade shakes her head and uses the normal door lock to close her bedroom. 

“Why do you do that?” Tori asks. Definitely a stupid move, but she’s sort of become quickly far too close with Jade for either of their comfort anyway. 

“Did I tell you that you could ask questions?” Jade snaps.

“Well, no, I was just-“

“Other people live in this house, you know, and you’re getting changed. You want someone to come barging in here.”

Tori pulled on Jade’s shirt. “No, I guess not, but why was the door locked before we got here? And is there anyone here, anyway? Cause I didn’t see-“

“There is. Sometimes. So I lock the door. Privacy is important, Vega.”

Tori considers this and knows enough to shut up as she shrugs on the jacket. “Alright, you can turn around or whatever.”

Jade looks her up and down.

“What, do I look so horrible?”

Jade’s eyes flick back up to Tori’s. “No! No, I mean, you look fine. Better than usual, probably.”

Yeah, Tori figured, back to normal Jade. “Aren’t you going to get changed?”

“Well, I’m not wearing this to school, am I? Just face the door.” She says it aggressively to hide the fact her heart is beating a little too fast. Jade West does not get changed in front of people, even for Beck unless they’re undressing for a  reason . She certainly does not get dressed in front of Tori, a girl who isn’t even her friend. 

Jade picks out her clothes and awkwardly, quickly, pulls them on. As though she was in a middle school change room, she puts on her skirt over her shorts before taking them off. She doesn’t end up changing her bra. Just pulls on a fresh long sleeve shirt and her black stockings. 

“Right. I’m going to do my makeup, but you can put on some spray deodorant or whatever. No offence. But you walked a while last night, and it’s not exactly cold, so...”

Tori winces again at the bluntness, but at least Jade’s being nice about it. At least she showered last night. Jade hasn’t offered any sort of shower, and Tori’s beginning to feel that even if that was an option, she might not want to take it. Maybe people barge into Jade’s room around here or something, because she certainly seems to value privacy.

•••  
  


They’re miraculously on time as they reach the school in Jade’s car, which Tori has weirdly gotten used to being a passenger in. The radio has been on quietly the whole drive, and thankfully, this time Jade didn’t take her into the middle of the desert like the last time she asked for a lift to school. It’s actually kind of pleasant. Tori isn’t totally relaxed after the night she just had, but she’s calmer than before. She texted Trina and her father as soon as she thought they could plausibly be up to tell them she’s gotten to school early for a project, and there’s nothing to stress about at school at the moment. 

Jade breathes in sharply, startling her. “Don’t be weird at school.”

“Uh, yeah, no, of course not-” 

“And tell your weirdo sister about whatever your made up morning was, to keep up the lie. Not that you need to, really, you’re probably such a perfect kid at home. They won’t suspect anything.”

“Mhm...” She can’t argue with that, as much as she suddenly feels the need to prove herself to this girl. This weirdly helpful girl, this mean girl, this girl who definitely isn’t her friend but is also the only person she turned to when things went wrong. Tori guesses it makes sense that she has a complicated feeling about how she should act around Jade, considering. 

“And I’ll talk to Beck, but,” she adds as Tori stiffens, “I won’t mention the family stuff if you don’t want. Privacy, you know.”

“That’d be my preference, yeah.” She murmurs. 

“Well,” Jade unbuckles her seat belt. “I guess we’re done here. Call me if someone dies or gets stabbed or something. The cool stuff. You can get out.”

Tori takes that as her cue, and scrambled to leave the car and walk to her locker, only a couple minutes before the bell is due to ring. She’s exhausted, there’s bags under her eyes, she has no makeup on and her home life is a mess. And she’s also hopeful. More hopeful than she’s been since the moment she caught wind that anything could be wrong with her parents’ relationship. More hopeful than she’s been in a long time, maybe since she joined Hollywood Arts.

•••   
  


Jade keeps her word about not spilling Tori’s whole life secrets to Beck. It’s the least she can do, honestly, just preventing herself from telling him. It’s technically not doing anything at all. 

That doesn’t mean Beck doesn’t ask her from the very moment she walks in the doors of HA. She finds him leaning against the lockers, focused on the floor. Tapping his foot a little restlessly. He looks up as she opens the doors. 

“Where were you? I asked if you were alright and you never replied.”

Fuck. “I was caught up in some stuff. But I was fine, and I’m fine now. None of it was my problem, don’t worry.”

“Okay, whose problem was it?”

“No one’s.” She answers succinctly, as though that answer means anything. 

He rolls his eyes in response, a common action for him, considering Jade’s personality. “Alright then. Just tell me if anything bad happens, okay? Don’t keep the scary stuff to yourself.”

“Yeah, I know!” She tries to sound exasperated, but she’s really just glad that Beck gives a shit. That he wants to ask questions, that he’s willing to seek her out, not avoid her like the rest of the school. Trust her, maybe, slightly. 

It’s rare to find people who give a shit.


	3. painful hopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angsty teenage gay stuff
> 
> warning: PTSD, further implied past ab*se.

School is shit for Jade. She attempts to push aside her annoyance for everyone and everything. She really, really does. Today in particular, she focuses on how shitty the day must be for Tori, whose had even less sleep and an even more stressful night than Jade has. That girl’s stuck in the middle of what will almost definitely inevitably be her parent’s divorce. At the very least, an explosive fight. Family problems - now that’s something Jade knows about. 

But it doesn’t work. It doesn’t fucking work, because it never does. It’s a shit day, like every other day, and no amount of forced sympathy for Vega is helping that. 

It’s hard to pin down exactly what Jade hates about being at school. She gets to see Beck and she gets good grades, but... It’s just not that simple. When she’s in a class without Beck or possibly Cat, she really can’t talk to anyone. No one wants to go near her. And yeah, that’s her fault, that’s her  _ plan _ , actually, but it’s still lonely. It’s also lonely that no one has any idea that she’s feeling... like this.

The stress and sadness - also known as diagnosed depression, but Jade finds it hard to commit to admitting that - is one thing. But every so often, some subject is brought up in a class or a comment is made in the hallway, and Jade feels like she’s going to throw up. There are days where these trigger points seem to not affect her at all. And there’s days where they are inescapable. Those days are Jade’s personal hell. 

Somewhere between a lack of rest and the emotional turmoil that was the start of the morning, Jade finds that this has become one of those hellish days. 

She aches, and it’s bad. She’s exhausted, and it’s worse. Yet it’s a single remark from some senior guy by the lockers at break that turns the day from difficult to unbearable. A joke, he’d justify, if Jade called him out on it. So she says nothing. Just feels her heart wrench and her throat close up. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and walks quickly to the Janitor’s closet. And misses third period altogether, as she decides against going to class with her eyes red and puffy from the few tears she allowed herself. 

_Fuck today_ , Jade thinks. Even though she knows it’s not the first time she’s ended up skipping for this shit. There’s just no one else she can be angry at, nothing else to blame. 

•••

Fourth period is Sikowitz’s class, and Tori knows that this is truth time. To see if Jade has kept her word. Or, if that whole ice cream thing was some kind of truly evil ploy to get Tori’s trust and reveal her secrets to everyone. 

But instead, Jade is seated more quietly than ever in her usual spot towards the front of the class before Tori even arrives. There’s general chatter around the room, with Sikowitz characteristically late. The whiteboard is empty of homework or plans. Mostly, therefore, the other students aren’t talking about school at all, which worries Tori slightly that they might be speaking about her instead. About something Jade has told them. However, as she sheepishly eavesdrops on the various groups, none of them seem to be talking about her. There is no mention of her parents, or cheating, and no one looks at her funny or starts whispering as she gets closer. Tori doesn’t even realise she’s holding her breath until she finally lets it out. Jade has stuck to her word. These...  _ concerns _ are safe. For now at least. She pulls away from her own conversation with Andre, excusing herself to talk to Jade. 

Andre frowns. “You want to talk to Jade? Like, voluntarily?”

“Yup.”

“She’s not threatening you or blackmailing you or something, is she?”

_ Not yet _ , Tori thinks. “No, nothing like that.” Andre gives her another look, but she laughs it off. “Seriously! I think... I think Jade and I are okay, to be honest. I think she’s a little more accepting of me, you know, existing in the same world as her. Which is basically the highest form of friendship I could imagine between me and Jade.”

Andre continues to look a little suspicious, but Tori ignores him as she walks over to where Jade is seated. She knows more than he does, now. She’s possibly spent more time one-on-one with her this morning than Andre has in all the years he’s known Jade. It’s ridiculous, she can admit that to herself, and it’s strange, but Tori has developed some weird sense of hope that Jade might like her. That they could be friends. 

It is devastatingly obvious from the second she gets Jade’s attention that this is not to be. 

That’s Jade’s design, at least. To appear off putting enough that Tori will turn right the fuck back around. It’s not like it works on  _ Victoria Vega _ , but god, it was worth a try, okay? 

“Hey, Jade.” Tori says quietly, her hand on the chair next to Jade’s.  _ Beck’s _ chair.  _ Can she get her freaking hands off Beck’s chair?  _

“What?” Jade snaps, her eyes still fixed on the front of the room. She does not look Tori in the eye. She doesn’t want to see if the girl who bared their soul to her last night, is hurt. 

Tori barley blinks. “Thanks, you know, for not telling anyone. About all that...”

“That isn’t your chair.”

“Sorry?”

“That’s not your chair. It’s Beck’s chair. You somehow happen to be in the same class as me, but we do not sit together, okay?”

Tori looks down momentarily, and moves her hands. “Oh. Right. But-”

“I have to put up with you going to this school, but I don’t have to be friends with you.” Jade says coolly. “So move your bag back to your own seat, and wait for the class to start. Leave me alone.”

“Are you serious?” Tori stares. She’s angry, and although she might not admit it, she’s sad, too. It only serves to make her more enraged. “Are you serious, Jade?”

Jade finally turns around in her seat. It pleases Tori in a sick way to get a reaction out of her. “Of course I’m serious! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong, is that you managed to act like a human with feelings for a few minutes this morning, and suddenly you’re back to this!”

By this point, a few students are turning their attention to the raised voices. 

“I don’t owe you anything, Vega.”

“No. You don’t. I thought maybe for once, I might just owe you a ‘thanks’. But you can’t even accept simple gratitude from me. You hate me that much? You’re that much of a  _ bitch _ ?”

Jade’s glare suddenly falters. Her mask seems to slip slightly, bringing a numb look of shock to her face. Tori’s not exactly one to curse, sure, but it’s the raw anger behind her words that stops Jade in her tracks. 

She doesn’t respond. She closes her mouth and stands up, quietly and with a faked air of confidence. And Jade West marches straight out of the classroom.

She doesn’t look back to see the reactions of the audience, the silence that falls over her friends and random classmates. The flicker of regret on Tori’s face as she moves to sit next to Cat and Robbie without a further word. The way Beck grabs her arm as she looks towards the door where Jade exited, to follow possibly, or to just... see. 

He shakes his head. “Leave her alone.”

And Tori sits down. She waits out the next forty minutes of class, biting her fingernails, not even remotely participating. Guilt grips her. Even though Jade was in the wrong. Even though she’s still annoyed at the other girl. 

It all feels off. It feels like she’s been stupid. Or missed something. Or read it all wrong, anyway, this whole morning they had. Maybe it meant absolutely nothing to Jade. Why would it? Why does she even care?

She can’t shake the memory of Jade’s glare for the rest of the day. In those cold, piercing eyes, there had been the remainders of tears. 

•••

It hurts Jade to be so cruel. And yet it hurts that Tori doesn’t trust her, is rude back to her, in a weird yet expected way. It is just as awful that Tori cared enough to thank her, however. How she wanted to be kind. Jade just basically kicked her, and she came running back like a dog. Pathetic. But also loyal. Kind. Hopeful. 

Hopeful . Jade hasn’t felt that in a while. She can’t prevent the twinge of envy that bubbles up inside her at the thought. 

Her legs know where she’s walking before her brain catches up. She’s out the front door of the school before she can stop herself.  Be bothered to stop herself, more like it. 

•••

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i noticed i used tori's full name and i was like "huh. wait". so i looked it up and shes never actually referred to as "victoria" in the show but like....... i feel i can assume that, the only Tori ive known was short for Victoria, plus the fact that this character is played by Victoria Justice... and was only named "tori" after she got the role.


	4. what i meant to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG MY MEMORY IS INCREDIBLY SHIT PLEASE ACCEPT THIS MEAGRE OFFERING 
> 
> im hoping to do 2 chapters this week instead of 1 so i can at least partially catch up AAAAAAAA  
> thank you to everyone who has been reading and leaving kudos and comments, y'all are what i live for on here <3333

Jade West does not go home. There is no 'home' to go to. 

It takes five separate, long streets to walk down, and the idle realisation that she _drove_ to school, before Jade's mind really catches up with her feet. It is a sudden shock to the system, as though ice water has been splashed over her right here in the footpath. One moment, she was in some other reality, she's sure of it. A warm, half-waking reality. A dream, submerged in a pool of air-turned-liquid. Slow motion. Floating. Yet so quickly she was thrust into the moment, this moment, which is cold and windy and she's misplaced her jacket somewhere between class and here, and this street is not on the way to anywhere in particular.

She is not lost, no - this place is familiar, like everywhere in this corner of town - but a feeling of intense discomfort and fear still overrides her rational mind. Frozen, she sits down right there on the sidewalk, feeling the remnant heat of sunshine on the concrete. This sweeping wind is far too cold for summer. It brings goosebumps up on her skin, and whistles in the trees above her head. It's taunting her. The rushes of air feel like ghosts passing through her, and they sure aren't like good old Casper. 

She isn't sure how long she sits there. Or even how long it took her to walk there, certainly far from the school, but when she finally gets up, it's because a school bus is coming down the road towards her, full of kids.

•••

It's a monochrome day for Tori after that... thing. Confrontation. Argument. Disappointment. Whatever you want to call it. She doesn't forgive Jade and she strangely doesn't forgive herself, either. It's puzzling and complicated and exhausting to mull over. Safe to say, she doesn't do much in class from fourth period onwards.

When she goes back home, this time in Trina's car, it's loud and somehow, the noise itself feels big and bright. Her senses are thrown off by Trina's unwavering voice and the radio tuned in to some pop station, plus the sounds of trucks and cars (including the ones honking at Trina's distracted driving; it happens three times on that one drive). Tori doesn't have the energy to process everything, and it all feels too much at once. Swirled up, like strawberry and bubblegum ice-cream melting into strawberry bubblegum soup. The feeling is heavy, and hangs over her, compresses her with its pressure, like she's a thousand leagues under the sea.

By now, she's learnt how to tune Trina out - but she doesn't like the thought of being alone with her emotions. She listens vaguely and nods. Trina is talking about an audition. Trina is talking about what her apparent friends did at lunch break. Trina is talking, talking, talking.

Despite it all, this ride better than when she actually gets home.

"Hi hon, how was your day?"

Tori cannot even look her mother in the eye. She keeps her eyes trained on the walls and hums in response.

"You left so early, I didn't even hear you go out. Trina mentioned you had a group project thingy?"

"Yeah, I did." The air is even heavier in here.

"How did you even get there? The buses don't run that early, not to schools at least."

"Got a ride, from..." She pauses. _A friend_. But not a friend. Almost a friend. "Andre."

"Ah, I see. I guess he's also in the group, for the-"

"I'm going to have a shower." Tori blurts, without thinking. She moves her vision to the stairs, and picks under her fingernails.

"Oh. Right. Well, dinner's at-"

Tori doesn't wait for her mother to finish the sentence. She no less than runs up those stupid stairs, into the stupid bathroom, still carrying her stupid school stuff. Her eyes, they fill will hot, stupid tears. She dumps her bag and books on the ground and runs the warm water. It drowns out the sound of her sniffing, crying, sitting on the floor and leaning against the tiles. She doesn't get in the shower until the heavy feeling has entirely consumed her.

•••

Jade arrives back to her father's house at 4:30pm, on foot. She has to clench her jaw, thinking about how she's set herself up to walk to school in the morning. Have to leave, like, an hour early. There's no chance in hell she's catching the bus. Talking to people in a small space on public transport? Not her jam.

The routine of afternoons starts and finishes in much the same way it usually does; her father asks where she's been since she's home so late, she lies. Her father goes to his room and she is left alone in the kitchen. Then, absolutely nothing for the rest of the evening. Nice little family gatherings, right?

It's more than a little dark outside when Jade finishes her homework and everything she missed in class. She's tired. She didn't eat dinner... Or lunch, for that matter. She gets in the car and drives straight to Beck's place. 

•••

"Jade?" Beck rubs his eyes, waking up, as she tries her hardest to carefully and quietly open the door of the RV. Clearly, unsuccessfully.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Something... Did something happen?" He props himself up on his elbows, frowning.

"No, I'm fine." She says, manoeuvring through the junk on the floor to sit on the edge of his bed. It's dark in here and she feels her way with her feet first, knowing she's bound to trip over some of Beck's stray clothes. It's hot in here, but she shivers nonetheless. 

"Where'd you go after fourth period? You totally disappeared."

"I went to my dad's, alright? It's fine." 

"You can't just leave like that, Jade. You didn't respond to my calls or anything."

She shifts uncomfortably. "I didn't know you called."

"Please, just... keep your phone on, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever."

Beck knows all too well that it's best not to argue with Jade at practically midnight, if you want to catch some sleep. "'Kay. Is your dad home?"

"He is, yeah. It's not a problem though." It's possibly strange that her father has never noticed any commotion - closing of doors, jangling of keys, lights going on and off - whenever she leaves to go to Beck's. Maybe he has, and hasn't said anything. Hasn't cared. She believes that's on brand for him. She bites her lip as she turns her head, pretending to focus on something out the window.

Beck doesn't miss a thing. He's known her for far too long. "Here," he gestures to her, "come sleep."

•••

When Jade inevitably wakes in the middle of the night again, it really is due to the nightmares this time. She knows that for sure, because she softly pulls back the blind on the window closest to her, and sees no tearful girl waiting outside. She checks because if she’s honest, she wishes that were the reason. Not because she likes Tori, she justifies, but because anything is better than the real reason. Even that pesky freak.

The real reason. The nightmares. She knows before she even open the blinds, really. She’s kidding herself by hoping something real woke her. No, the thin layer of sweat over her skin, the icy feeling in her chest like a fever, the violent beating of her heart that seems louder than the drone of the fan or bugs or electronics tonight; it’s evident that nothing real woke her up. Although the past, perhaps, is real enough to count. These nightmares are real, too. She knows this, because the fear claiming her right now is very, very real.

She tosses and turns as she tries to get back to sleep. It’s frustrating. It just makes her angry, riled up. Not the mood you want for trying to sleep. The idea to get out of here starts as a single thought, then becomes an itch in the back of her mind. Even with Beck snoring lightly next to her, she doesn’t feel safe right now. Not here. The dark is closing in on her and it seems to have a life of its own. She doesn’t feel like waking Beck, either. He’d just be concerned, try to talk her out of going to school tomorrow if she’s _so stressed_ , all the usual stuff. He cares. But she doesn’t want to be cared about at the moment.

She finally lays on her back and stares up at the ceiling of the RV. Get out, she thinks. The thought still itches. She is so suddenly getting changed, pulling on random clothes to _get out_. It’s like she’s on auto-pilot, and yet she doesn’t want to stop it. _Get out of here, go somewhere, go anywhere._

•••

On the other side of town, Tori Vega is not sleeping. 

Her eyes are wide, fixed on the ceiling of her own room. She does not want to sleep. She refuses to be tired. She has music on, but honestly, she couldn't give less of a shit what it was. Everything right now is tiredness and awakeness and bad. Her brain can't seem to make any more sense than those few feelings.

She knows she can't stay in her room all night with her thoughts racing. It's suffocating. Weirdly enough, her thoughts linger more on Jade than they do on the _situation at hand_. Maybe it's easier to deal with than the concept of her mother cheating and lying. Maybe it's really a lot more difficult. It's odd, really, how her day just changed twice by Jade's hand; she made everything feel better in the ice cream store, and everything feel twice as confusing and awful in class. Her emotions are turbulent tonight, rage and sadness all bitter without much of the sweet. She thinks it would taste like Jade's coffee ice cream.

Absent minded, Tori changes out of her day clothes, a simple distraction from everything. Jade's shirt. Tori can't bear the thought of having to return it. Another meeting, another argument, of course. Would it be embarrassing? Would Jade somehow be angry? She was angry today, right out of the blue. It takes a few moments for Tori to register that she doesn't want to put on pyjamas. She reaches for a fresh pair of jeans, a shirt, her sneakers. Her whole school bag.

She figures she’s becoming quickly accustomed with leaving the house in the middle of the night. But she doesn’t go Beck’s RV, this time. She won’t. She can’t, she has to be alone this time, because it seems like talking to people is utterly, completely useless. People fuck you over. People can fake genuine emotion for two seconds and then go back to hating you like nothing happened, like your quiet crying in the hours of the early morning in a dingy ice cream shop, giving your full vulnerability to this person, was nothing; meant nothing. People can be Jade West, and Jade West is a danger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excuse my attempt at writing in american words, im australian and we dont use the same terms for way too many things. almost wrote about someone wearing thongs, close call, remembering that's not what you call flip-flops over there and deciding to vehemently avoid shoes lmao


	5. i'm just this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> getting gayer :)
> 
> Note: so in Nickelodean shows (including Vic), since they can't use 'in-n-out burger', they often refer to it as 'inside out burger' to give the same idea. so yes, i wrote it that way on purpose, no i'm not entirely strange just cause i'm australian lol

Who's to say what leads a person to a place, let alone two people to the same place? It's less than destiny and more than a coincidence. Perhaps it's just what's meant to happen, what's right with the world.

Jade doesn't see it that way.

It was a long fucking walk to this place. 'Inside Out Burger', which definitely sounds familiar but she can't quite place why. It looks - and tastes - like a knock-off chain, but she's not entirely sure that food chains can _have_ knock-offs, like clothes and stuff do. She walked around half an hour in this sickening humidity, with sweat clinging to her neck, back and under her arms, and she gets maybe 10 minutes of peace to show for it.

It's genuinely difficult for her to muster up the necessary glare she gives Tori when that girl walks in the door. She's just tired and still shaken from the nightmares, but the universe obviously can't take a hint.

Tori is at the counter, waiting to order. It's impossible to know what someone would order so late - early? - but she's doing it anyway. Sure, if she's walked around the same distance Jade has... and...

She never slept last night. And she's not asleep now. _Huh._

Well. It's not like it's Jade's problem.

Tori doesn't notice her sitting there, tucked away a little behind a corner wall, and Jade isn't sure if she's thankful. Sure, she wants to be alone, alone, alone, more than anything. She wants, like she has always wanted, to stay as far from Vega as humanly possible, even if she can't place exactly why that is. But watching her from back here, nervously tapping the counter with her fingernails and shifting from foot to foot as she waits for her order, Jade can't help but find it... intriguing. Interesting. And if she was honest with herself, which she is not, a very-deep-down part of her heart might see it as endearing.

People watching is a hobby of sorts for Jade. She tends to stay a good distance from anyone who might actually talk to her or perceive her in general, and she likes to keep it that way. It makes her feel safe, from what, she doesn't really understand herself. But watching people, without all the stupid talking and friendly shit, can be okay. You see a side of people you never usually do. Their nervous habits, the way their lips move as they whisper the lyrics of a song under their breath or recite a to-do list, their emotions and expressions which range from hilarious to heart-breaking. Life at a glance, a film on wheels, ever rolling.

Tori may be annoying as hell up close, but from behind this metaphorical glass, she's alluring. Despite her lack of sleep and the current hour, Tori's clothes seem to be fresh and nice, plain jeans and a shirt. Her hair is brushed back neatly behind her ears, in loose waves. Jade knows that Tori must have had a shitty night after a pretty shitty day if she's out this late all alone, but she never seems it; her nervous habits break as soon as the server comes back and she seems to quickly gather her polite manners and kind attitude.

Bad moments, bad people, they never deter Tori. At first, Jade thought it was naïve. She'd practically kick her and Tori could still come crawling back like how dogs do. Pathetic.

Except, Jade learnt, Tori wasn't so naïve after all. She stood up for herself. She was extroverted, an open book. Nerves never seemed to stop her from delivering a great performance, whether it was acting or singing or if she was just helping out a friend.

It was just that, absurdly, Tori refused to treat Jade badly. Her, specifically. Specially.

She wasn't sure if she hated that or not.

•••

At the counter, Tori spins around with a strawberry milkshake in hand. Right. She's paid already. Right. She continues going through the motions like this is okay and normal and she is okay and normal and everyone is okay an-

Her eyes lock on Jade. For more than a moment, she outright convinces herself that her classmate's presence is some kind of sleep deprivation induced mirage. She blinks twice and, when Jade West is still sitting right there in this 24-hour burger joint, all she can do is stand there but with less blinking this time. 

Jade, recovering from being a bit lost in thought, glances at her for what Tori can safely assume is not the first time that night - she seems incredibly prepared to glare as well as she can before she even makes eye contact with Tori. Just like Jade. She gathers her thoughts and tries to look like she's perfectly fine and dandy. It's deeply, deeply unconvincing. Jade flashes her a cruel grin in response, openly mocking her.

If she were a little less exhausted, or a little more reasonable, Tori would have just left. She would have gone home and forgotten all about this and continued to be icy to Jade at school for a while to satisfy her ego.

What a shame, she's Tori.

The annoyance boils inside her and she finds herself marching over arrogantly to confront this girl... without any idea what she's going to say. _Huh, preparation, that could've been nice,_ even her inner monologue sounds sarcastic about all this.

Jade raises her eyebrows sceptically. "What are you doing here so late at night, Vega? Isn't it past your bedtime? Scared of the dark?"

Tori scowls. "Well- what are you... doing here? Have a bad dream?"

Inexplicably to Tori, that pathetic, mumbled comeback somehow causes Jade's composure to falter, just momentarily. Her eyes widen, and Tori sees far less of the cold she's used to in them; anger is replaced by hurt, plain and simple. It's startlingly vulnerable, a second of complete exposure. 

And, in a flash, it's gone again. "You should really get home before someone notices you're out. Sweet Sally Peaches wants to keep up that darling good-girl thing, right?" She adds, in her strange impression of Tori that sounds like a 1940s Southern actress. It invariably manages to strike a nerve with Tori, and this time is no exception.

"I don't talk like- no, actually, you know what, I'm not going to finish that sentence! I know how I talk. I talk just fine. I talk great! In particular, I talk like someone who's actually from this century. And you're the only one who talks like _that_ , even if it's when you're doing such a terrible imitation of me. Really, it doesn't even _resemble_ my speech, so you're hardly even mocking at this stage, you're just -"

She's cut off by Jade suddenly _laughing_.

 _Yes, it's actually laughter_ , it takes a few seconds to register in Tori's brain. It's not callous like usual, either. She's laughing, really laughing. It rings out almost hypnotically and Tori can only stare with her mouth still open, at this dark and scary girl with her dyed hair and piercings who is grinning wildly and laughing breathlessly at Tori's frustration.

After a while, all Jade can say is, "I'm sorry, thats just so-" she interrupts herself with further giggling, "- it's honestly just _cute_ how frustrated you get about that." 

"Did you say cute? Wait, no, hold up, did you say _sorry?"  
_

Jade shakes her head, smiling. "It _is_ cute - sweet, nice, dorky, whatever. I mean, it's _endearing, darling,_ as Miss Peaches would say."

At this, Tori finally gives a single laugh of her own, in sheer disbelief. It sets them both off.  
  
•••

They're just teenagers, adults only by legal status, and they're getting stitches from a weird joke that she's repeated one too many times. She's aware of how strange they must look to an outsider's perspective; her and Tori, on the verge of tears, causing a ruckus in some 24-hour burger joint in the middle of the night. Through the big front windows, Jade can already see the first orange and pink colours rising into the sky. It's late and it's early, it's sad and it's hilarious, she's tired and she's energetic. It's less of a balance and more two wild extremes both in full existence at once. 

And, on the whole, it's not such a bad thing.


End file.
